# Be a Good Partner

> The only thing in this world more difficult than caring
> about other people is finding other people who genuinely
> care about you. <cite>&mdash;<a
> href="https://lareviewofbooks.org/article/american-loneliness/">Emma
> Healey</a></cite>

## Cover the Basics

- Take care of yourself[^1]
  - [Eat well][1]
  - [Sleep well][2]
  - [Exercise][3]
  - Invest in your mental health[^2]
  - Routinely go to the doctor, dentist, eye doctor, etc.
- Be authentic
  - Know [what you are passionate about][4] and keep doing it
  - Think about [the future you want][5] and work towards it
  - Be honest and assertive about your needs
- Be a Responsible Adult
  - Take charge of your career
  - Have your finances in order
  - Take good care of the space where you live
  - Meet your own transportation needs
  - Dress appropriately; have a sense of style

## Build Trust

The [Gottman Institute][7] describes six practices for
building trust, which form the mnemonic ATTUNE:

- Awareness
- Turning toward
- Tolerance
- Understanding
- Non-defensive responding
- Empathy

## Express Your Love

- Know your love languages and those of your partner[^3]
- Tell them you love them every day
- Show them you love them every day
- Always offer your support
- Share emotional labor
  - Remember important dates and make them memorable
  - Take initiative and plan something as a surprise
  - Tell them when something is bothering you
  - Ask them if they want to talk if something is bothering them
- Invest time in building intimacy
  - Be passionate
  - Be completely loyal to them
  - Be completely devoted to them
  - Make sure their needs are met; strive to exceed expectations
- Spend time together
  - Take walks together
  - Hold hands
  - Make small gestures: open doors, carry bags, wash dishes

## Exemplify Behavior

The Fruits of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22–23):

- Love
- Joy
- Peace
- Patience
- Kindness
- Goodness
- Faithfulness
- Gentleness
- Self-control

[^1]: Self-care is like the oxygen masks on an airplane. If you don&rsquo;t take care of yourself first, there is no way you can take care of those around you. ([I&rsquo;m not the first person to think of this.][6])
[^2]: For me, this means cultivating mindfulness through meditation, acknowledging and addressing when I feel emotionally aroused, and trying to improve my emotional intelligence.
[^3]: There are 5 [love languages][8]: words, time, gifts, acts, touch. The best way to show love to your partner is to do the things *they* value most. Make an extra effort if their love languages are different from your own.

[1]: /health/nutrition/
[2]: /health/sleep/
[3]: /health/training/
[4]: /lists/interests/
[5]: /lists/bucket/
[6]: https://www.greenmountainhypnosis.com/blogs/post/The-Oxygen-Mask-Theory-How-to-Take-Care-of-Everyone
[7]: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/
[8]: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages

*[ATTUNE]: Awareness, Turning toward, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensive responding, Empathy